By the time you read this, there are 59, at most, shopping days to Christmas. Or should that be 59 shoplifting days? According to a report published recently in Britain, Napoleon Bonaparte may have got it wrong when he called the English "a nation of shopkeepers". The authors of the report would have it that the English are a nation of shoplifters. I imagine that things in Ireland are not much different.
The traders are perturbed that the authorities do not seem to take the matter all that seriously. They claim that the police often do not prosecute, feeling that they have more serious matters to deal with. Magistrates may well let convicted shoplifters off with a caution, or may impose a fine, which is nothing of a deterrent. Even should the details be published, which they seldom are, the newspapers consider such cases to be trifling, commonplace and of no news value.
In actuality, the number of shoplifters going to prison in Britain has gone up from 5% to 10% over the past ten years. There is a feeling amongst shoplifters that it is all coming off a broad back, that the supermarkets will never miss the loss, and that sure, anyway, all the storekeepers have to do is put up their prices to cover their losses. The owners of the stores make the point that the retail sector has become extremely competitive and margins are narrow, and that increased prices deter customers. Schoolchildren are frequent offenders, but they are not the only ones.
In former days, the shopman stood behind his counter and most of his wares were behind him, so that all items of goods went through his hands to the purchaser. There was very little on the counter for the light-fingered to make off with and such goods as were on the customer's side of the counter tended to be heavy, bulky items such as bags of flour or potatoes. Today, every corner shop is a miniature supermarket, and the shoppers are at liberty to wander around the various shelves. For some it is not so much a question of serving themselves, it is more a matter of helping themselves. It is difficult for the shopkeeper, or his assistants, to keep an eye upon them all. Some have installed big convex mirrors at strategic locations, others have gone for close-circuit television monitoring; but these devices are frequently rendered useless by shoplifters wearing hoods, baseball caps, headscarves or motorcycle helmets.
Some stores which deal in drapery or electrical goods, employ some form of electronic security tagging which will trigger a loud siren at the exit if the security device has not been removed, or neutralised, at the paydesk. Sometimes the culprit is so close to the door when the alarm goes off that a quick getaway can be effected.
Apologists for shoplifters, or those who wish to trivialise it, sometimes say that it is a victimless crime. The shopkeepers reply that the principle victims are the members of staff who have to confront suspected shoplifters and challenge them. The suspect is generally asked to step into a private office to reduce any feeling of humiliation which he or she might endure. But those who tackle alleged offenders have to be very sure of their ground, and be certain that any goods which they have purloined are still on their persons. Nobody, especially the innocent, likes to be accused of being a thief.
Shoplifting did not come in with supermarkets. Some of the perpetrators can be quite ingenious. There is a story about a retired policeman who opened a drapery store in a historic street in Omagh. One of the first in was an ould wan who asked what was the price of a shawl displayed in the window. When she was told the price she asked if she could purchase it on an instalment basis. The shopkeeper was no dupe and told her that she could pay in half-a-crown a week in a 'club' system, and after a few weeks the shawl would be hers.
The lady agreed, but asked that the shawl be taken out of the window, and laid aside until such times as full payment had been made. The lady left and when the owner went out for lunch, and his daughter was minding the store, the old lady came back into the shop, and enquired, "Would there be a wee parcel under the counter with my name on it?"
Footwear used to be displayed with right or left shoes or boots only, to prevent theft. One lady said her husband was in hospital and asked to borrow a right shoe to see whether it would fit him. She then moved to another store, told the same story and was the better of a left shoe.
The best story of all was the one about the store manager who spotted a local character heading towards the door with a frozen chicken under his jersey. "What are you doing with that chicken?" demanded the manager. Sez yer man, "I was thinking of roasted potatoes and mushy peas."
You couldn't make it up.
In evidence the court heard that the defendant was being charged with stealing quantities of window glass from a neighbouring firm of glaziers. The case for the defence was that he was building a conservatory as a wedding gift to his daughter, but he had become short of funds and was too embarrassed to admit the truth of his situation to his family, hence the repeated thefts of glazing materials. He had executed the construction and fitting himself. "It would seem" said the RM "That he has taken a lot of panes."
Congratulations to PTQ, the Queen's University rag magazine, which has reached its 80th birthday. It used to cause great scandal to the councillors on Omagh District Council. It never claimed to contain much of literary merit, but it was the first publication to print "The Ballad of William Bloat" written by a medical student in 1928. The opening lines run: "In a mean abode, on the Shankill Road lived a man called William Bloat." The poem goes on to describe how the harassed husband contrives to cut his wife's throat, and then proceeds to hang himself with a bedsheet. However, as the poem ends up "The wife is still alive and sinning, for the razor balde was German made, but the sheets were Ulster linen." There was a snatch of the poem in the 1989 film 'Dead Poets' Society.
Liz Taylor is to wed for the ninth time. As the much-married Zsa Zsa Gabor used to comment: "Always the bride, never the bridesmaid."
The British government is to print health warnings on bottles of wine and spirits. How about a warning on Guinness bottles of the risk of Arthur-itis.
An emergency first aid worker in Southampton summoned an ambulance to his home when he became unwell in the middle of the night. His pager went off, and he was instructed to go to his own address to help a possible heart attack victim.
Following representations by Gardai, pubs in several Kerry towns are to close 30 minutes earlier at the weekends, for the next five years. According to the Irish Times, bars in Kerry will be allowed to "Serve drink only up to 2am."
Bet that'll settle the yobs.
