So it seems we are to have a Minister for Peace, if a varied bunch of left-over hippies have their way. Correct me if I am wrong but is this move not about 30 years too late? A minister for peace might have been useful when we were in the midst of a war or a civil conflict depending on who you are talking to but to have it when all and sundry are telling us that peace is here and there is no going back seems like the usual ludicrous thinking that got us here in the first place. No doubt when the time comes around, there will be four of them!
But I was told recently that I shouldn't be just so cynical, so, in the spirit of peace and openness, let us examine what the peace minister might do.
Perhaps the idea is that she will stop us engaging in any wars in the future. Other than those that the British government dragged us into over the last 100 years I cannot think of any time when the people of Northern Ireland (or indeed Ireland as a whole) have actively sought to go to war with another nation.
Many of our best citizens have, however, volunteered their services for the wars of others and been used as cannon fodder as a reward. Hence the stopping of future wars does not seem a viable role for our minister.
Perhaps she is to act as an ambassador for us, telling others around the world just how wonderful we were in finding our way towards peace.
While most of us would be content with this, I suppose (it might bring in more tourists after all), there would be a catastrophic knock-on for some of our most respected people. What would the large gaggle of real peacemakers do if they were no longer jetting off around the globe telling regions even more fundamental than our own that, in the immortal words of James Young, 'Would you stap fighting'?
If we changed the spelling this individual could be in charge of ensuring that every worker in Northern Ireland was assured a decent lunch each day.
Having had to buy a piece in Belfast on the odd occasion, I can vouch for the fact that it is not a cheap option. And indeed, we all know that a bought piece does not compare with that made from home products and put together by a loved one's kind hands. So a Minister for Piece would be a real step forward and possibly the first useful thing the Assembly will have done since its inception.
Of course, if it is really going to work there will have to be a high degree of research go into all of this. A random number of people will have to be identified in each area and the minister will have to visit all these households to measure the amount of peace they are having in their daily lives. A sliding scale of measurement will have to be established so that, for example, being nagged to cut the grass would have a small peace index while being constantly confronted with demands for a new house might warrant a high peace index.
Females being made to attend sporting events or sit quietly while He incinerates the barbecue meat will also bring with it major peace points.
At the end of the research period, all the points will be added up, an average taken, and we can then know for sure where the most peace is in Northern Ireland.
Of course we already know this but it will give the minister something to do. The most peace is to found at Stormont. The Likely Lads are all sitting up there thinking up schemes to disrupt our peace while looking out across the grand gardens of the estate and taking tea and cucumber pieces while the rest of us think up jobs for unnecessary ministers to carry out.
The peace minister could be Northern Ireland's representative at any march against the bomb, the war in Iraq or Greenham Common. (Are those women still there I wonder?) And we could organise these trips during the marching season so that while the minister is away telling others how to behave, we could use her absence to knock seven bells out of each other as a reminder of the bad old days before we had a minister for peace.
Still not convinced, however, that any of it is necessary and now that we have moved apparently from the Chuckle Brothers to the Brothers Grim it is only a matter of time before someone points out that we are now in a period of no more Mister Nice Guy, so interfering do-gooders can go and give our heads peace.
