Given the latest outburst from the First Lady of Gaff – aka Mrs Robinson – I should really be taking on her notions of democracy. But the fact is that to do so would be an excessive waste of time and energy since those who hold such essentialist and fundamental attitudes would merely see it as a vindication of their moral superiority.
And apart from anything else I have been obsessed with the idea of wasting time since I discovered that research has shown that technology is turning us into a nation of time wasters. It seems that e-mail, computers and other digital essentials are making us sit around waiting for something to happen, something which never actually does.
That this is a bad thing has come as a great shock to me. I am an inveterate and expert time waster. It is one of my favourite pastimes. I have convinced myself that this is because I have so little free time that when it arrives it is essential that I waste as much of it as possible in order to recharge the old batteries. This is, of course, merely an excuse and the truth is I simply enjoy wasting time and then pretending I was doing something important. For those of you who would like to waste time but can never find a window in the diary to do so here is a set of types from an expert.
Time is best wasted in company. There are two reasons for this strategy. The first is that it stops the wastage being boring since the other person is clearly in the time-wasting business as well and you can have endless hours of time-wasting fun criticising all those who pretend to be busy all the time while they are in fact holed up somewhere watching soap opera repeats on the BBC iPlayer. Secondly, it creates an ally who will defend you when some observant colleague points out that you spend most of your time doing nothing and gossiping about everybody else.
Time wasting is particularly satisfying if others around you are gainfully engaged in work. Hence, for example, if you pretend to be busy at the computer there is a good chance that your nearest and dearest will take to the garden to weed or undertake some other form of work task. At this point sneak into the good room, lie down on the sofa and watch her exertions through the window. (I say 'her' because only men seem to be able to carry this strategy through without noticing that the windows need cleaning.) Countless hours of waste can be accumulated in this way especially if the garden has not been cut for a while and if there happens to be some time-wasting sport on the box, like cricket for example, it is even more pleasurable.
If you are cornered and given a task to undertake do not panic. There is still a time-wasters way out of this situation. Find a chair and place it in front of the job to be undertaken. Assume a pose like that of Rodin's Thinker as though you are sorting out exactly what equipment will be needed to do the best job possible. Eventually go to the person wanting the job done and explain that for this to work properly you will have to go and find two left-handled sprangle-dangles and a set of anti-clockwise screws. This, needless to say, could take some time.
Make as much use as possible of imaginary individuals. If a trip is to be undertaken you can explain that you have to stay behind because the chimney-sweep is coming. (Note: this will only work if you actually have a chimney in the house.) But any form of visitor will suffice; carpet-layer, electric man, gas man, rat-catcher, woodworm spotter. Anything just as long as you get everyone else out of the house and can engage safely in distraction therapy. This therapy includes looking for CDs you haven't seen for a while, putting books into alphabetical order or searching for tee-shirts you know have already been thrown out. Care must be taken though that these distraction techniques do not cross the line and become actual useful activities.
If all else fails make an appointment at the doctor or dentist. Nothing is likely to create as much waiting around as either of these but be warned you may have to suffer pain at some point for your pleasure but if the waiting time is sufficient it is probably a fair bargain. But whatever you have in mind do it quickly since there is without doubt some lunatic fringe somewhere who will want to ban it because we are getting way to much pleasure from it and hence it must be sin. As Simon and Garfunkel said - Here's to you Mrs Robinson!
