We may or may not have enjoyed the last few snow-clad weeks (certainly most of us were sick of it by the time the thaw came) but it will be interesting to see if the predicted boom in the birth rate does materialise in nine months time.
I am of the opinion that there must have been some kind of weather pressure nine months ago because the place where I work is overrun with men and women in the throes of having their first child. All of which is fine until that point when the only topic of conversation one hears when moving about the building is how to avoid indigestion, how to deal with rampant hormones, how to sit comfortably and, most worryingly, how to pick a name. (As I have said before Mervyn/Patrick, Jessica/Tracey according to the colour of sash you wear!) What the women themselves talk about I cannot tell you but if this is the conversation of the men involved then it gives us some idea.
By a strange coincidence I learned this week that the government is concerned about the role of men in pregnancy – cue old joke about explaining to them what is causing it! – and have decided to publish and distribute a manual for expectant fathers. Apparently it is to be called the 'Dad's Manual' although when I first read about it I wasn't wearing my glasses and thought it said 'Dude's Manual' which seemed by far a more interesting proposition.
But 'Dad's Manual' I am afraid it is and I am already fascinated as to what this tome will include. I suppose they will have to start at the start if you see what I mean and advise as to how fatherhood might be initiated. One would assume this is well known already but when I talk to young people I am horrified as to how much they do not in fact know so a quick canter through the basics might not be a bad idea. However, it is essential none of this is made to sound like fun otherwise any Tom, Dick or Harry will be at it.
Having been successful in the 'making baby' chapter then the really interesting stuff starts. Dads will have to be advised of the need to be on call at any time to go in search of Holy Grail, generally stuff to be eaten. I was always of the opinion that the idea of cravings was a stereotype perpetrated by unkind males but having been in the company of a young woman – my secretary actually – who is at this moment probably giving birth – I can testify to her continual need for something called pickled onion Monster Munch. I have no idea what they are but I do know that her life was not complete unless they were within touching distance. And the office was indeed constantly immersed in the choking odour of refined pickled onion!
Walking is sure to be included in this manual. Since the poor woman cannot get any comfort in sitting down walking at all hours of the night and day will become the norm. Males will have to be advised to start buying trousers and shirts a size smaller, to invest in a pair of stout shoes/boots, and to become accustomed to only ever wearing an anorak.
Do it yourself will begin to figure greatly in your relationship. Not only will you have to learn this in order to save any money but the demands will change on a daily if not hourly basis so a good tip is never to actually finish any job since the brief will have shifted by the time you are just about to put on the second coat. This is especially true of the new baby room.
The male vocabulary has to change and this will have to be dealt with early in the manual. I know men are accommodating and compliant at the best of times but when fatherhood approaches even greater care is necessary. All forms of ambiguity will have to go. For example 'Do you think so?' will need to be replaced with 'You're right dear', any statement starting 'Will you...' automatically gets the response 'Yes dear', and 'Do you..' should always trigger 'Yes I still adore you!'
As usual of course this manual is nonsense, an attempt to construct so-called family values. It makes me wonder how anyone my age ever got reared. Maybe it had something to do with learning as you went along and becoming accomplished parents who worked it out for themselves, became a walking manual, and then passed what knowledge they had on to their children when their time came.
But then that sort of obvious, common sense approach never won an election or kept a public service industry in business!
