On St Patrick's Day I was so bored I found myself watching the Paul O'Grady Show on Channel 4. This is the kind of thing you get to do on days like this because you are never at home in time usually and it seems ok to do it on holidays since wasting time is what you should be doing then anyway. And on a point of information I will be watching it in future because Paul O'Grady is a very talented and funny man. However, back to my point. On it he had the turkey which is going to represent Ireland in the Eurovision Song Contest.
I didn't even know his name but a quick check on the old interweb revealed that he was christened Dustin and far from being a wind-up he has apparently already got six albums to his name, my favourite title being Faith of Our Feathers. Even if it had been a wind-up this is without doubt a stroke of genius.
We all know that the Eurovision Song Contest is a bit of political nonsense to convince whoever has the misfortune to listen that we all live in some kind of united Europe. The songs are always truly dreadful. And don't give me any of this nostalgia nonsense that they were better when Cliff or Abba or Sandie Shaw was singing them. They were always the musical equivalent of pig-swill. Or indeed turkey droppings.
It is genius because it acknowledges right away that this song and the singer is a turkey, the name given to songs that have no chance of even remotely entering the public listening space. It is also genius because it saves any human the embarrassment of coming last and this is encapsulated in the title of the song – Douze Pointe. And it is genius because the Irish cannot afford to win the Eurovision again and spend interminable months and obscene amounts of money trying to host this vulgar extravaganza. Finally it is genius because we all love the said bird already and will forgive him anything since he is the equivalent of Podge and Rodge when it comes to tact and diplomacy.
It is intriguing that we are happy to be insulted by rubber puppets and accept abuse that we would not let anyone else away with. Spittin' Image played on this phenomenon when they castigated everyone from Thatcher to the Royal Family and in fact we all came to like the Royal Family more because they allowed themselves to be slagged off on the show and we somehow felt that this made them more human. It makes you wonder if you just put on a rubbery face and tore into people would you get away with it, although I suppose even if you did get a slap in the mouth you wouldn't feel it anyway what with the latex head and all that.
But we may have been too clever in this Dustin business. Look at the winners of the Eurovision over the last few years and a disturbing pattern emerges. There has been a worrying preponderance of novelty acts epitomised best by the death metal of Finland. (I genuinely cannot remember what they were called I am delighted to have to admit.)
And since there has been so much publicity for our feathered friend it is certain that the whole of Europe will be watching and willing him on which might just become one of those self-fulfilling prophesies. It also doesn't matter if he forgets the words, sings out of tune, falls off the stage, the sound system gives up or the television cameras suffer meltdown, we will still all love him. In fact the more it does all go wrong the more points he is going to get!
The result will be that Dustin will win the contest handsomely, the expense of the whole mad bonanza will come back to Ireland, the music scene in Ireland will take 40 years to recover and the stereotype of the mad Irish with a splendid sense of humour will be reinforced for the next hundred years.
So I'll tell you what is going to happen. A small band of gallant men and women will undertake to abduct Dustin and keep him silent by not placing a hand up his jumper. All record shops will be raided by the Provisional wing of the Eurovision Committee and all discs confiscated. When it is clear that he is not going to appear for the event we can then call on Daniel at the last minute and tune in safe in the knowledge that not even the Finns and Danes would be mad enough to vote for that. Although we would have to watch and listen to it ourselves. Does anyone want to join the Free Dustin Campaign?
